Have you ever felt exhausted because you had to consistently worry about what other people think of you? Well, if that’s the case, welcome to the club of people pleasers.
“If you live for their approval, you’ll die with their rejection.”
There is a distinction between doing things to be nice and doing things to please people. People often do nice things to feel good about themselves, to return a favour, or maybe to earn a favour. People pleasers do things because they are afraid they’ll be disliked or rejected. It’s not a healthy mindset. You might not realize just yet how negatively it affects your life. I know because I have been a people pleaser for half of my life, trying to impress everyone around me. It got to a point where I couldn’t tell what I really wanted with my life. I realized with time, that I can never make everyone happy just because I wanted to. There’s always going to be someone who’s upset or unhappy with you. I’ve tried to make my performance perfect and feared that I might not live up to their expectations. So, in the end, I stopped even without trying. It only stopped me from achieving my full potential.
I enjoy my own company and love to stay at home. I like when it’s quiet. Sometimes I don’t feel like hanging out with people (not that I dislike them or anything). I’m not sure I should consider myself an introvert but there have been moments I have pushed myself to be more social. So, I promised myself that I would get out of my comfort zone and be more engaged with the people around me. I agreed to every invitation that I got. First, I thought this was for my own good. Second, I didn’t want to hurt the ones who invited me. At the end of all of this, I regrated saying “yes”. I regrated doing things I didn’t want to do. I didn’t have time for myself or the things I wanted to do. Now I have accepted that I’m enough. I don’t feel guilty saying “no” to the things I don’t have time for. So, if you ever feel overwhelmed by your surroundings try to get out of it with positive self-talk. You are not obligated to do anything. You always have a choice. People might say you are mean or selfish for doing what you want. If you know your worth, does it really matter?
When I had conversations with people in the past, I used to agree with everything they say. I was afraid that they would not like me or my opinions. Maybe it was because of my low self-esteem, where I thought my opinions really didn’t matter. Anyway, it was easy. I just had to listen and agree to whatever they said. I didn’t realize back then that everything had consequences. Me not talking and not expressing what I wanted to say only left me with having no opinion of myself. It made me lose my confidence to speak up. Conversations are not about agreeing to what others are saying. Never stop yourself from revealing what you want to say just to get on the good side of people.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you to be rude. Be polite when you say “no” to things and when you want to express your opinions. It’s not easy to set boundaries. It took me a while and I’m still in practice. If someone doesn’t like you for your little quirks just let it be. They don’t deserve to be in your life. Right people will be there for you no matter what. You won’t be needing to win their approval and you will be able to stay true to yourself. Prioritize your life. Every other thing will fall into place. I know I have come a long way because I’m not the person I was last year.
You just have to believe in yourself. Your opinions, your time, and your feelings matter. Don’t let anyone ever say otherwise. Don’t give them the power to define you.
By Rtr. Ravisha Gamage
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